The Quest for Tranquility in Marital Life - Part 1 of 2

*I'd like to share this from an email I received. Enjoy and be enlightened.*

When the wedding celebrations are over and husband and wife settle down in their new lives many find it is not what they hoped for or expected. As the euphoria and novelty runs out and gives way to routine and normality, the marriage relationship becomes strained as both spouses struggle to get through life. Constant arguments, bickering and unhappiness pervades the atmosphere with little or no hope of a resolution. This problem in the marital life is so widely felt that we would scarcely find a person who does not know of a close family member or relative who is not in this predicament.

Whilst it is inevitable that not every marriage will succeed or be without its fair share of problems, the marital discord and misery we see today cannot simply be attributed to the incompatibility which can sometimes occur between two people. Rather a deeper study into the widespread problems and misery we witness will reveal that it is due to a lack of the correct criteria and thoughts – this is the cause of disharmony and the lack of tranquillity between spouses.

If one were to dissect the criteria and thoughts being used by Muslims living in the UK and generally in the West one would find that generally speaking they are caught between two reference points. Do they follow the customs and traditions of their elders in marriage and marital affairs or do they embrace western values? The older generation has by and large stuck to tradition; but the younger generation growing up in the UK is increasingly rejecting tradition in favour of a more western lifestyle.

As a result we find a whole range of different, and at times contradictory, criteria being used to regulate married life. On one side of the spectrum we have the traditional culture imported from ‘back home’ whether that is from Bangladesh, Pakistan, Africa or the Middle East. Here we see the prevalence of the criteria of ‘sharam’ and ‘izza’ (shame and dignity). These have their roots in Islam but over time they have lost their Islamic character and have become subject to people’s whims and desires. This is why we see the inconsistent and oppressive nature of their application. For instance, zina is and should be viewed as a loathsome kabeerah (great) sin; however we often see that if a man commits it then it can be forgiven and quietly ignored as just something that young men do. However if a woman was found guilty of committing this then she would be ostracised and rejected because she has brought dishonour and scandal to the family. Therefore the true understanding of the sin of zina has been lost in the blur and haze of tradition and a contradictory application is being used.

A similar contradiction from traditional values is the view that a young girl mixing with foreign (ajnabi) men is unacceptable. But on the other hand no shame is felt when the same girl is forced to marry a man without her consent and approval or even sometimes against her will.

On the other hand we have what can only be described as ‘half-way’ marriages where the concepts and criteria are a jumble of traditional and western values but adopted according to the capitalist criteria of benefit and individual freedom. For example, in such marriages it is not acceptable that the wife would flirt with other men but it is acceptable for her to mix with men, being uncovered and showing her beauty. We also find men carrying the western concept of ‘not settling down when young’ and delaying their marriage until they’ve ‘had a good time’. And once in their late twenties or early thirties they will do their social and religious duty in an almost ritual trip to Pakistan or Bangladesh to get married. Also we now see the western style of courtship which means finding out if one is compatible or not by dating or ‘getting to know each other’. Hence, the ubiquitous demand of ‘friendship leading to marriage’ often found in the marriage sections of Asian newspapers and magazines.

Western Marriages; out of the frying pan and into the fire
The West offers individual freedom as the progressive basis of life, and for many Muslims in the West this has become the preferred basis for marriage over tradition. By individual freedom what’s meant is that an individual is completely free in how he or she lives his or her life. So for example it would be perfectly acceptable on this basis for a man and a woman to cohabit together without a contract of marriage just as it is acceptable for two gay men to get married. Muslims should be aware of the dangers that come with adopting freedom as a criterion and should not allow themselves to be duped into thinking freedom and benefit can ever lead to a superior life. Rather, turning to freedom by rejecting tradition is like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire. How can the West claim to offer the alternative when its criteria of individual freedom and benefit which by establishing sensual gratification as the paramount concern has led to the misery of millions of people? If we take a quick look at the West’s record we find that in their societies the top five problems in the social and marital life are:
Mistrust and Adultery – 70% of American wives commit adultery within 5 years of marriage.
Divorce – one in three end up in divorce.
Rape – 167 women are raped every day in the UK.
Wife battery – a battery incident occurs every 18 seconds in the America.
Child molestation and paedophilia – in Britain a quarter of a million people are known paedophiles!.

These are the fruits of freedom and these should not be considered surprising but in fact are an inevitable occurrence since a solution proposed by man’s limited mind will never be able to address the intricacies of human life and its requirements. Therefore, we need to refer to the Creator (subhanahu wa ta’aala), Who is All-Aware of His (subhanahu wa ta’aala) creation and how it is that humanity should regulate their lives.

Should not He Who has created know? And He is the Most Kind and Courteous (to His slaves) All-Aware (of everything). [TMQ Mulk:14]

Rejecting Tradition on the Correct Basis
As for taking tradition as our criteria this can never be accepted, as our only criteria is the Revelation of Allah (subhanahu wa ta’aala) and this excludes what our forefathers followed unless it was from what Allah (subhanahu wa ta’aala) and His Messenger (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) brought. In the following ayah, Allah (subhanahu wa ta’aala) tells us the basis of acceptance or rejection of tradition:

And when it is said to them: “Come to what Allah has revealed and unto the Messenger (Muhammad [SalAllahu alaihi wasallam]).” They say: “Enough for us is that which we found our fathers following,” even though their fathers had no knowledge whatsoever and no guidance!’ [TMQ Al-Maidah:104]

The reason it is wrong to follow the forefathers is that they did not follow the Revelation and nor were they guided by Allah’s (subhanahu wa ta’aala) Guidance. So when we reject those areas of tradition, which contradict Islam we should not reject them because they contradict the capitalist concepts of individual freedom and benefit but because they go against what Allah (subhanahu wa ta’aala) has revealed. In other words, just as it is wrong to accept Western love marriages on the basis of freedom and benefit it is equally wrong to reject forced marriages on the basis of the individual freedom and benefit. The reason both should be rejected is that they are contrary to Allah’s (subhanahu wa ta’aala) Revelation and not because they affirm or violate freedom and benefit. Thus, the only criteria a Muslim can follow is the criteria of Halal and Haram and nothing else.

Marriage: what’s it all about?
The current generation either view marriage as a burden, or a custom and a social duty. They do not understand it is a solution that organises the male-female relationship so as to bring about mutual tranquillity. In fact many are turning to western values because they find the oppressive elements of tradition unpalatable without realising that Islam has a unique solution that befits man’s nature. In Islam marriage is about companionship (suhbah) and not the regimental and strict regime that exists in traditional marriage or the tenuous ‘partnership’ for sex that we find in the West, which is easily dispensed with when the partners get tired or bored.

Allah ‘Azza Wa Jall informs us of the Hikmah of marriage;

And among His Signs is this, that He created for you wives from among yourselves, that you may find repose in them (li-taskunoo ilayha), and He has put between you affection and mercy. Verily, in that are indeed signs for a people who reflect. [TMQ Ar-Rum: 21]

In this ayah, Allah (subhanahu wa ta’aala) makes the wife the source of Sakeenah i.e. repose and tranquillity as we can see from the usage of the verb sakana. It is from this same word that we derive the term sakan (dwelling) where people find repose, ease and security when they go home from the toil and tension of outside life. Similarly, married life is a source of tranquillity from the strains and stresses of life and not the other way round.

The concept of rights & responsibilities
The West cite empty slogans of friendship and equality as the basis of marital life but the truth is that what exists is a clash between spouses because there are no defined roles due to the belief in individual freedom. Islam on the other hand did not just talk about companionship but has shown how to realise it by clarifying the rights and responsibilities that spouses have over each other such that they complement each other and bring about mutual fulfilment:

Allah (subhanahu wa ta’aala) says;

“And they (women) have rights (over their husbands) similar (to those of their husbands) over them, in reasonable terms.” [TMQ Al- Baqarah: 228]

Ibn ‘Abbas used to say, “Indeed I spruce myself up for my wife and she adorns herself for me, and I love that I should redeem all the rights I have over my wife, so that she should redeem all the rights she has over me.” [Reported by Ibn Abi Shaybah in his Musannaf]

Islam clearly outlined the role and the rights of both partners in the marriage. The man is the head of the household and therefore he has the final say in matters. He is responsible for providing the maintenance and residence for his family. The wife’s responsibility is to obey the husband in matters relating to the marital life, tend to the housework and not go out without the permission of her husband.

These rights and responsibilities are not unknown but the key concept we need to understand is how these rights and responsibilities are discharged. Allah (subhanahu wa ta’aala) informs us:

“And live with them honourably”. [TMQ An-Nisa: 19]

He (subhanahu wa ta’aala) has commanded spouses to spend their life together (mu’aasharah) in an honourable and fitting manner (bil-ma’roof). What this means is that they live in an atmosphere of care and benevolence. That is why the Messenger (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) said;

«إن من أكمل المؤمنين إيمانا أحسنهم خلقاً وألطفهم بأهله“Indeed, the one most complete in Iman and best in morals is the one who is the kindest to his wives.” [Reported by Ibn Hibban]

In other words, the rights and responsibilities should be discharged in an atmosphere of companionship. To give us an example of what companionship (suhbah) means on a day to day level let us take a glimpse at the life of Muhammad (salAllahu alaihi wasallam), as he says in his own words:

“The best amongst you is the one who is best to his wives and I am best to my wives” [Reported by Ibn Hibban]

~Peace.

Mother Mary in Islam

Mother Mary in Islam

A Reminder....

I got this sent to my email which proves to be a useful reminder.

In this day and age mankind has become controlled by his emotions.

It's good to harness your emotions to benefit yourself and the rest of the community. Such as love, caring, fear, hope etc.

But some emotions (such as anger) if left to run wild can have devastating repercussions.

Read this pearl of wisdom from our beloved Prophet Muhammad (SAW) narrated by Abu Huraira: Muhammad (SAW) said "The strong is not the one who overcomes the people by his strength, but the strong is the one who controls himself while in anger." (Bukhari)

So how do you control your anger? The Prophet (SAW) also gave us the solution:

Seek Allah’s protection from the cursed devil: Saying A’3othu billAhi min aShatana Rajeem.

Change position: When one of you becomes angry while standing, he should sit down. If the anger leaves him, well and good; otherwise he should lie down.

Perform Wudu: Anger comes from the devil, the devil was created of fire, and fire is extinguished only with water; so when one of you becomes angry, he should perform ablution.

EID MUBARAK!

I know it's a little late to post about Eid...but hey....what the heck!

I want to leave you a reminder.

Post Ramadan:

You need to start your post Ramadan planning from NOW.

The scholars agree that the signs of an accepted Ramadan is that your steadfast in action after Ramadan ends. As the prophet Mohammad (SAW) said: "the most beloved deeds to Allah are those that are consistent even if they're small" (Bukhari and Muslim).

So choose a worship that you were blessed with doing in Ramadan, for example attending Fajr at the mosque, reading the Quran daily, or praying at least two Rakah during the night, and commit to doing it as a minimum every single day of the year.

As Allah says “Verily, those who say: "Our Lord is Allah (Alone)," and then they stand firm, on them the angels will descend (at the time of their death) (saying): "Fear not, nor grieve! But receive the glad tidings of Paradise which you have been promised! (30) "We have been your friends in the life of this world and are (so) in the Hereafter. Therein you shall have (all) that your inner-selves desire, and therein you shall have (all) for which you ask. (31) "An entertainment from (Allah), the Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful." (41;32)

Ramadhan Day 22

We are now entering the last 10 days of Ramadan and we should be all focused on seeking Laylatul Qadr.

Laylatul Qadr (the Night of Power) is described in the Quran as, "better than a thousand months" (97:3). Any action done on this night such as reciting the Quran, remembering Allah, etc. is better than acting for one thousand months.

Although we’ve increased our worship to Allah so far this month, now we’re entering the final stretch and it’s imperative that our worship level is at the highest it’s ever been. As `Aishah (May Allah be pleased with her) reported:

The Messenger of Allah (PBUH) used to strive more in worship during Ramadan than he strove in any other time of the year; and he would devote himself more (in the worship of Allah) in the last ten nights of Ramadan than he strove in earlier part of the month. .

So if you haven’t already planned your last ten days and have the sincerity and determination to free yourself from the hellfire, here are a few reminders to include in your schedule:

- Concentrate more on prayers and worship on the last ten nights of Ramadan than the first twenty nights.
- Persuade your family members to keep themselves awake for prayer and worship in the last ten nights of Ramadan.
- I`tikaf: It was a practice of the Prophet (PBUH) to spend the last ten days and nights of Ramadan in the masjid for seclusion to increase in worship.

- Make long, sincere and deep Duas, especially this one: - Aisha, (May Allah be pleased with her), said: I asked the Messenger of Allah: 'O Messenger of Allah, if I know what night is the night of Qadr, what should I say during it?' He said: 'Say: O Allah, You are pardoning and You love to pardon, so pardon me.' "(Ahmad, Ibn Majah, and Tirmidhi).
The transliteration of this Dua is "Allahumma innaka 'afuwwun tuhibbul 'afwa fa'fu 'annee"

- Get your sins wiped out: Abu Huraira narrated that the Messenger said: Whoever stands (in prayer) in Laylatul Qadr while nourishing his faith with self-evaluation, expecting reward from Allah, will have all of his previous sins forgiven. [Bukhari and Muslim).

- Be Generous: Al-Nawawi says: "Generosity and open-handedness are strongly encouraged in Ramadan, especially during the last ten nights. By doing so, we emulate the example of Allah's Messenger (PBUH) as well as that of our Pious Predecessors..."

Let's encourage each other to not waste any time and work hard these last ten days. Insha'Allah we see the fruits of our labour and are joyous on the Day of Judgement, happily forever abiding in Paradise.

Ramadhan Day 8

Enjoy Your Life - The art of interacting with people… as deducted from a study of the Prophet Salalahu Alayhi wa Salaam’s life.

-A product of more than twenty years of research

By Sheikh Dr. Muhammad ‘Abd Al-Rahaman Al-‘Arifi




Do not cry over spilt milk

Some people believe that the traits they have been nurtured on, which they are recognised by and which have left a certain impression about them on the minds of others can never be changed. They surrender to this thought, just as a person would surrender to the fact that he cannot change his height or skin colour.

On the other hand, an intelligent person thinks that to change one’s nature can perhaps be easier than changing his clothes. Our nature is not like spilt milk that cannot be scooped up again. Rather, we are always in control of it and there are certain ways in which we can alter it, and even the way we think!

Ibn Hazm mentions in his work Tawq al-Hamamah a tale of a famous Spanish businessman: There was competition between him and four other businessmen and as a result, they disliked him. They were therefore determined to aggravate him. One morning, he left his house to go to his workplace, wearing a white shirt and turban. One of the four businessmen met him on the way. He greeted the Spanish businesman, looked at his turban and said, “How beautiful this yellow turban is!”

The businessman said, “Are you blind? This turban is white!”

He replied, “No, it is yellow! It is yellow, but it looks good.”

The businessman left him and moved on until he met the second of them. He greeted him, then looked at his turban and said, “You look handsome today! Your clothes look fine! Especially this green turban!

” The businessman said, “Actually, the turban is white.”

“No, it is green,” he insisted.

He replied, “It is white! Go away from me!”

The businessman walked on, talking to himself, and every now and then looking at the flank of his turban to make sure that it was indeed white. He reached his shop and opened up the lock. Meanwhile, there came to him the third of the four businessmen and said, “How beautiful this morning is! And especially your clothes, they look fine! And your beautiful blue turban only adds to your good looks!”

The businessman looked at his turban to ascertain its colour, then rubbed his eyes and said, “Dear brother! My turban is white!”

“No, it is blue. But the important thing is that it looks good, so don’t worry!” the man said, and left, as the businessman began to yell after him saying, “The turban is white!” as he looked at his turban to ascertain its colour once again.

He sat in his shop for a while and couldn’t take his eyes off his turban. Meanwhile, the fourth person came and said, “Greetings! MashaAllah! From where did you buy this red turban?”

The businessman shouted, “My turban is blue!”

He replied, “No, it is red.”

The businessman said, “No, it is green! Actually, no, it is white! No, it is blue, or black!” He then laughed out loud, then screamed, then began to cry and then started to jump up and down!

Ibn Hazm said, ‘Thereafter, I would see him in the streets of Spain. He had gone mad and children would pelt stones at him.’

If these four people, by using their skills, were able to change not only the nature of the person but also his mind, then how about the tried and tested skills that are supported by revelation which a person can put into practice in order to become closer to Allah?

Put into practice whatever good skills you come across and you will be happy.

If you say to me, “I cannot.” I would say to you, “At least try!” If you say to me, “I don’t know how.” I would say, “Yes, you do!”

The Prophet (May Peace and Blessings Be Upon Him) said, “Knowledge is only gained through learning, and clemency is only gained through perseverance.”

A point of view...
The hero is the one who goes beyond his ability to improve his skills, until he becomes able to improve, and perhaps even alter, the skills of others.


To be continued.......

Ramadhan Day 3

I forgot all about blogging yesterday. Didn't get the chance either as I was @ my mum's place. I didn't fast yesterday. I was worried that my supply would decrease if I fasted everyday. I intended to wake up for sahur this morning, and I did. But the thing was, Khadijah woke up @ 4am to have a feed. Man....she feeds for a minimum of 1 hour! She can go for a further 30 minutes sometimes. And so my intention in fasting today wasn't fulfilled. Hopefully tomorrow.

InshaAllah.

~Peace!

Ramadhan Day 1

RAMADHAN MUBARAK dear brothers & sisters!

how was your first day? Alhamdulillah I made it through the first day.

I awoke this morning @4am, initially to the sound of Khadijah sucking on her fingers - she went back to sleep. Even though I'm breastfeeding her, I still wanted to try & fast on the first......and so I did. I prayed tahajjud first and then had my sahur: 2 pieces of margarine & vegemite toast, small bowl of oats, glass of milk & white tea and 3 dates.

Throughout the day I tried not to worry whether she was getting enough breastmilk.....but I stuck to my intention, Allah will provide.

I'm not going to fast EVERYDAY. I'll see how I go in fasting every 2nd or 3rd day. Here's a little to read and ponder on:

"When Ramadhan begins, the gates of Paradise are opened." [Bukhari]

~Peace.

Vent

I NEED to get this out of my system: my son sometimes sleeps in my MIL's (mother in law) bed. After being sound asleep for about 1 hour I hear him crying in her room - usually it's because of a tummy ache or sore legs from running around too much. In this case it was the latter. After attempts in consoling him she finds that he's wet the bed.

It took me awhile to get him into the bathroom. I'd imagine he was uncomfortable covered in urine. The most FRUSTRATING thing was trying to take the wet clothes off him AND hearing her saying: "That's what happens when's out and runs around too much.....wakes up at night crying...". I felt like telling her: "DON'T blame my family for wanting to spend quality time with him on the one day that they get to! I want to make my parents happy too! What are you gonna do...? BAN him from running around too much?!" I swear....I wanted to say it then and there....but it was late and we're all buggered. Plus my husband was due to fly to Brisbane for his work the next day, for 3 days. I didn't want to add unnecessary baggage and stress to everyone.

Usually, when Robbie (my husband) is working, my son & I spend the Sunday at my mum's place. And the Saturday's we (Robbie, Abdurrahman & myself) also go to my mum's for lunch/dinner. But ever since Khadijah's discharge from hospital, Rob's being extra cautious - he wouldn't let her out of the house unless she had a doctor's appointment or whatnot.

So, on Sunday mornings I take my son to my mum's - which is only a 10-minute drive - and he'll stay there for the day so my parents can be happy and take him wherever they want or wherever he wants. I can see their (my parents' & my son's) happiness eminating from their faces when they drop him off later in the evenings. And if my MIL was gonna ruin that for them and/or me then she's gonna hear from me!

I feel alot better now........i'm gonna try and sleep this off.

Wherever you are, I hope you're having a better time than I am right now.

~Peace.

As The Week Goes By....

Why does the week seem so frikkin' long?!

I find my days pretty laid back even with two kids to look after - 4yr old boy & a 4month-old girl. Thank God they're both behaved kids (so far!). Each day is pretty much the same but with surprises installed! At the end of every day I find my lower back kills, my neck sore & my left shoulder aching - but I wasn't doing much!

Perhaps I need a break.......*sigh*

I'm REALLY relieved that my 4-month-old is already sleeping through night and wakes up around 6am. She's been doing that for about a month now. I've just put her down in her cot and I'm DYING to get my sleep! Everytime I drift off I hear her stirring about and swinging her head from side to side.

Must get my sleep. Night!

~Peace.

I'M BACK, BABY!

That's right! Actually I just popped out my second baby on the Friday, 26th March, 2010.



Ta - da!



Thank you all so much =)



I loved EVERY bit of the pregnancy- thank God there were no complications during the pregnancy and birth.



We named her Khadijah. Everytime I say that name and envision her face a giant smile just appears on my face. Like this --> =D



I don't actually know the meaning of "Khadijah" but I know this: In the history of Islam, there are four (4) great women who stood out above the rest and came to be known 'The Four Greatest Women In Islam'. They are: Maryam, Khadijah, Fatimah & Aasiyah. Maryam, mother of Prophet Isa (Jesus); Khadijah, Prophet Muhammad's first wife; Fatimah, Prophet Muhammad's daughter; Aasiyah, the Pharaoh's wife and the woman who found and looked after Prophet Musa (Moses).



I've always loved the name 'Khadijah'. I even promised myself that if Allah gave me a daughter I'd name her Khadijah. And so He did and the name was stuck on her right away.



At just 3 weeks of age, my baby girl was hospitalised for 6 days after having a fever. One Friday afternoon, after being admitted into the ward from the emergency, I held her in my arms. When suddenly I noticed she had stopped breathing. Her lips were pale, blue. My mum was there with me and she saw it too. She called the nurses while I tried everything I could to wake Khadijah up. She wouldn't budge. This lasted for about 30 seconds. At last the nurses came and did the MET (Medical Emergency Team) call. I put her back in the cot as they bagged her and tried to get some oxygen in her lungs. Alhamdulillah, Allah Almighty brang her back to me. Right there, I COULD NOT believe my 3-week-old baby just had an Apnoea.

They were doing so many tests to find out where the virus came from. She even had a LP (Lumbar Puncture) done to find out if it was meningitis. Alhamdulillah that was ruled out! Mum & I were waiting outside......and that's when I broke down. I couldn't hold back my tears anymore. Thank God mum was there with me to comfort me and keep my spirits up. I couldn't think of anything but ask Allah to help us and give us patience & also to restore Khadijah's health. Not long after, I was so relieved to see my husband arrive. In between tears, I explained to him what the doctors were doing. We hugged and comforted each other.

That Friday night, she was transferred from Canterbury Hospital to Sydney Children's Hospital at Randwick. In the Emergency, she had another apnoea while I was holding her, again. Only this time I was drifting in and out of sleep & Robbie noticed what was happening. Nurses nearby were called immediately. That one night seemed like years.

Afterwards she was transferred to ICU, where she stayed for about 3 days. Turned out she had Rotavirus and Noravirus - found in her stool. She was given oxygen to facilitate her breathing through a bubbly CPAP & also she couldn't breastfeed with me so she was given my breastmilk through a NasoGastric Tube. Alhamdulillah she got better and only needed standard nasal prongs for the oxygen and she was breastfeeding with me more. Eventually she was moved to the wards and things were starting to look up. She didn't need any extra oxygen to help her breathe. And finally, she was given the all-clear to be discharged.

Since being discharged from hospital, I would ALWAYS check if she was still breathing. After experiencing what I been through, I couldn't help it.

Well, thought I'd catch you up on what's being happening. How's that for a comeback?

I hope to keep blogging and keeping in touch.

~Peace!