Meaning of Companionship (as-Suhbah)
RasoolAllah (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) taught us that the husband should be reasonable in exacting the rights. For example, the wife is obliged to seek permission before she goes out but this does not mean the husband should prevent her when there is no reason for doing so. Regarding women going to the mosques it has been narrated by Salim bin ‘Abdullah from his father that the Prophet (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) said: “If the wife of any one of you asks permission (to go to the mosque) do not forbid her.” [Reported by Muslim]
Companionship means the husband deals with his wife in a kind and tolerant manner and not in a domineering way. He should not see it as undermining his honour and dignity if his wife disagreed or got angry about something. ‘Aaisha (ra) narrated that Allah’s Messenger (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) said; “‘I know whether you are angry or pleased.’ I said, ‘How do you know that Oh Messenger of Allah?’ He (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) said, ‘When you are pleased, you say, ‘Yes, by the Lord of Muhammad,’ but when you are angry, you say, ‘No, by the Lord of Abraham!’ I said, ‘Yes, I do not leave, except your name.’” [Reported by Muslim]
In addition, it has been narrated that the Prophet of Allah (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) came into Aaisha’s (ra) room and put his hand on Aaisha’s (ra) knee and whispered something in her ear. She placed her hand over his hand trying to push him away. Umm Mubashhar who was with her at the time said; “How could you do this to Allah’s Messenger?” The Messenger (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) laughed and said; “Leave her; she does this and much worse!” [Reported by al-Bukhari in at-Tarikh]
Companionship means that husbands and wives should help each other in their responsibilities. Just because the wife is responsible for doing the housework does not mean the husband should not help out. Aaisha (ra) describes the behaviour of RasoolAllah (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) when he was in the house – she says; “RasoolAllah (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) used to be in the service (mihnah i.e. khidmah) of his family; and when it was time for prayer, he would go out to pray.” [Reported by al-Bukhari]
Despite being the ruler of Madinah, at home he led a very humble life. Aaisha said; “He acted like other men; he would mend his clothes, milk his goat and serve himself.” [Reported by al-Bukhari in al-Adab al-Mufrad].
Furthermore, RasoolAllah (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) never lost his temper, even if there was too much salt in the food. Abu Hurairah narrated that; ‘RasoolAllah (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) never criticised the food, if he liked it he ate it and if not he left it’ [Reported by Muslim]
Companionship also means overlooking mistakes or defects that one may not like in ones wife or vice versa. RasoolAllah (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) said: “Let not a believing man hate a believing woman. If he dislikes a character in her, he would be pleased with her other characters.” [Reported by Muslim]
Therefore, the husband should not pick on every little thing and continuously find faults. Rather he should be prepared to forget them by remembering the good qualities his wife has.
Companionship means closeness and intimacy and not an estranged relationship where the spouses rarely talk to each other unless something needs to be done. If one reflects on the nature of married life one can appreciate its importance. So for example, during the day a wife would naturally build up and accumulate many issues that she wants to discuss with her husband. So when the husband comes home she wants, for want of a better word, to ‘download’ all the stresses and difficulties and share them with him. But if the husband comes home and turns on the TV and ignores her then this can be very frustrating for her. That is why if we look to RasoolAllah (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) we see that it was his practise after Isha to spend a part of the evening chatting (samr) with his wives. RasoolAllah (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) also used to joke with his wives. He (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) said: “Everything in which there is no dhikr (remembrance) of Allah is nonsense, negligence and futile except four things: that a man should joke with his wife…” [Reported by an-Nasa`i].
So here RasoolAllah did not consider joking with his wives a useless activity.
Companionship means romance, fondness and affection. Listen to Aaisha (ra), the mother of the believers, when she said: “I would drink when I was menstruating, then I would hand it (the vessel) to the Messenger (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) and he would put his mouth where mine had been, and drink, and I would eat flesh from a bone when I was menstruating, then hand it over to the Apostle (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) and he would put his mouth where mine had been.” [Reported by Muslim in Kitab al-Hayd]
As for his wives they also felt about him in the same way. Ahmad narrated in his Musnad on the authority of Kareemah bin Hummaam that she said to Aaisha: O mother of the believers! What do you say regarding the use of Henna? She replied; “My beloved (habeebi i.e. referring to RasoolAllah (salAllahu alaihi wasallam)) used to like it!”
Chatting with Aaisha (ra)…
As mentioned previously, the Prophet (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) used to chat in the evening with his wives. One such evening he told Aaisha (ra) the following beautiful story of eleven women who met in the days of ignorance (jahilliyah) and promised to tell each other the truth about their husbands. The types of husbands described in this story can give us wonderful examples as to the type of qualities a husband should seek or avoid. The first five have reprehensible qualities whilst the rest all have laudable qualities.
Wife number one begins by saying; “My husband is like a bony camel’s meat at the top of a rough mountain. Neither is it easy to reach, nor meaty to desire acquiring.” What she means here is that he husband is unapproachable and not welcoming. When she tries to speak to him he does not listen as if she is not there and when she does manage to get heard he has nothing good to say to her. So the wife feels there’s no point, since the effort is not worth it! Hence, he is described like the useless ‘bony camel’s meat at the top of a rough mountain’ which is frankly not worth the trouble.
Wife number two’s husband is so full of defects that she doesn’t know where to start, so in fact she doesn’t! She said; “If I start I fear I will not be able to stop.” Some scholars commented on this by saying the second wife violated her agreement because she had promised to recount all the defects and she did not do that. Anyway, perhaps she felt it was a pointless and time-consuming exercise as the defects were innumerable.
Wife number three says the following about her husband; “If I utter a word, I shall surely be divorced. And if I remain silent, I will be suspended.” In other words we are dealing with a husband who is trigger happy with the divorce button. She lives in a state of constant fear that for smallest thing she may be divorced. That is why in another narration she said; “I am always in such a state as if I am under a sharp sword. I do not know when my affair will come to an end.” She finds herself in an impossible situation. She can’t speak otherwise she fears being divorced but on the other hand if she remains silent she faces the prospect of living in a state where she is neither married nor divorced i.e. in limbo or ‘suspended’ as she puts it. Her husband never complements her, brings her gifts or other such token gesture. Rather he thinks just by giving her food and clothing he has done his duty!
Wife number four describes a husband who is selfish and only thinks about himself. She says; “As for my husband, when he eats he devours everything; when he drinks, he does not leave anything. When he sleeps, he sleeps in his own sheet. He does not even touch me, so that he can know the disturbance in my mind.” So when the food is laid he doesn’t ask his wife to join him and at night he sleeps alone not caring about what she is thinking or feeling.
Wife number five starts by saying; “My husband is extremely helpless and stupid.” And you can see why she describes him this way as she continues, “He would either cut your head, break one of your limbs, or do both to you”. In other words he is a man who severely beats his wife, something which is deplored in Islam unless it was light and for the purpose of discipline when the wife refuses to discharge her marital responsibilities.
Now we come to the next set of husbands who all have good qualities which every husband should aspire to have.
Wife number six extols the praises of her husband with words that are almost poetic! She says; “My husband is like the night of Tihamah (Makkah and its surroundings) – neither hot nor cold. In his company there is neither fear nor boredom” i.e. here is a husband who is approachable and fun to be with unlike the first husband mentioned above. His company is never boring and she feels completely at ease in his presence.
Wife number seven describes a husband who is confident and strong outside in public but gentle at home – not like those husbands who are gentle outside but feared at home. She says; “My husband, when he enters he acts like a (sleepy) leopard; and when he leaves he acts like a lion.”
Wife number eight has a funny way of describing her husband; “As for my husband, his touch is like that of a rabbit” i.e. she means he is gentle and kind!
Wife number nine and ten both have husbands whose qualities are similar and hence I have grouped them together, i.e. they are generous hosts. Wife number ten says of her husband, “He owns camels that are numerous in their sitting places, and few in the grazing areas. When they hear the sound of the lute, they become certain of their death”. I.e. her husband keeps camels near the house and when they hear the lute playing they know they will be slaughtered.
Now we come to wife number eleven, the last of the wives, who is named in the hadith as Umm Zara’. She describes her husband, Abu Zara’, in the following way; “My husband was Abu Zara’ – and what would you know about Abu Zara’! He made my ears heavy with jewellery, filled my upper arms with flesh (fed me well after my previous state of hunger), and honoured me until my soul was gratified. He took me from among a people with very few sheep and tight living, and placed me among a people who had horses, camels, cows. In his house, I spoke without being rebuffed, slept until late-morning and drank my fill.’ As we can see, Abu Zara’ was a generous man who treated Umm Zara’ immeasurably well and clearly he was the best out of the eleven husbands.
But there is a sad twist to this story. After many years of happy marriage Abu Zara’ divorces Umm Zara’ in favour of a younger woman. But even though Umm Zara’ remarries and is treated well by her second husband, she still laments the loss of Abu Zara’. It is at this point that RasoolAllah turns to Aaisha (ra) saying: “O Aaisha! I am to you like Abu Zara’ was to Umm Zara’ – except that Abu Zara’ divorced (her), and I will not divorce you.” Here, RasoolAllah (salAllahu alaihi wasallam) reminds Aaisha of his favours to her which is better than even Abu Zara’ whose divorced wife still felt his loss. Aaisha knew this very well and so it is no surprise that she responded, “O Allah’s Messenger! You are better to me than Abu Zara’ was to Umm Zara’”. [Reported Bukhari, Muslim, an-Nasa`i, at-Tabarani and at-Tirmidhi in his Shama`il with variant wording]
Conclusion
Although this article only focuses on the marital life between spouses there are a whole host of other problems Muslims in Britain and the West face in their social life such as issues of courtship, marriage, divorce, custody, in-law relationships, maintenance and more besides. Increasingly Muslims are being pushed to resolving these problems by adopting western liberal values. Therefore, we need to be alert to the destructive influence of western concepts and criteria in our lives and begin to study the Islamic solutions on the basis of the Islamic criteria.
Finally, marital life is not just about tranquillity in this life. Our fate in the Akhira also depends on us following Allah’s (subhanahu wa ta’aala) commands and prohibitions regarding this issue. Therefore we must seek to ensure we comply with the rules of Islam in order to achieve tranquillity and satisfaction in this life and in the Akhira to save ourselves from the Hellfire and attain everlasting tranquillity in Paradise.
Kamal Abu Zahra
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